A Day in the Life of the Unemployed

11:00am: Wake up. Look at the clock. Go back to sleep.

12:00pm: Realize I have to be at school in one hour.

Unemployed observation #1: It is not impossible to oversleep for a 1pm class.

12:15pm: Get up. Make coffee. Check email and Facebook to have some sort of contact with the outside world.

Unemployed observation #2: You become accustomed to keeping track of the days by people’s “Monday complaints” on Facebook.

Confession: Every time I read another “Monday complaint,” I smile a little inside.

12:30pm: Cook an egg an jalapeno omelet. Since my lay-off, I have since discovered that jalapenos are the secret cure for weight loss.

1:00pm: Arrive at class.

Unemployed observation #3: Two hours of school is still better than rotting in a cubicle.

Unemployed observation #4: Almost anything, with the exception of snakes, spiders and Jersey Shore reruns, is better than rotting in a cubicle.

1:05pm: Discreetly eyeball the girl seated behind me who has brought her toddler to class. People, IS THIS ALLOWED?? In any event, I don’t think it’s cute, so I don’t pretend to like it.

1:10pm: Relocate to the opposite side of the classroom. No one notices.

1:15pm: Wonder if I am the only 27 year-old creature with a vagina who would duck if someone ever tossed me a baby.

3:00pm: Leave school. Go food shopping.

Unemployed observation #5: Trader Joe’s is still jam-packed at off-peak hours. There’s no way around it.

4:00pm: Arrive home. Debate on whether or not to shower. Realize 90210 is on Soapnet. Decide not to. Dylan McKay = ‘gasm.

Unemployed observation #6: Showering is for the birds.

5:00pm: Think about going running. Realize another 90210 rerun is on. Decide to go tomorrow.

Unemployed observation #7: Everything you always said you’d do if you didn’t have to work (i.e. get in shape, redecorate your house, start a band) you never actually do. If anything, you only get more lazy.

6:00pm: Check my bank account. Smile.

Unemployed observation #8: Regardless of what anyone says, getting free money does not suck.

6:15pm: Make plans with friends who are now home from work. Realize you still haven’t showered. Shower.

Unemployed observation #9: It is possible to become extremely busy doing absolutely nothing.
8:00pm: Meet friends for drinks. Feign attentive listening while they complain about their day at work. Smile and nod.

Unemployed observation #10: No matter how nice your co-workers were or what qualities you liked about your job, you will never miss it.

11:00pm: Arrive home. Make to-do list for tomorrow. Realize that laundry has morphed from a chore into an exciting fun task.

Unemployed observation #11: The people that say they’d “get bored” on employment are full of it. Only boring people get bored. Fact.

12:00am: Eat klonopin. Eat ice cream. Watch infomercials. Realize there is something seriously wrong with a product called “The Magic Bullet” that doesn’t involve sex.

1:00am: Drift into sleep. Klonopins = Bliss

(photo creds: dumb.com)